You know, in high school, and also a little bit
in college, I used to do this thing where I'd shove
my headphones onto other people's heads,
like, "Here, hear what I'm hearing!"
because I thought it was important,
what I was hearing, and because I
thought it would make people understand
me and like me better than they did,
or period if they didn't before at all.

I'm not stoned tonight while I'm writing this,
by the way.

And I don't do it now, but that doesn't
mean that I've "gotten over it." I just
can't find that enthusiasm anymore.
Where did it go? Where did it go?
All this lusterless life. Even masturbating,
which is ostensively something we do
for ourselves, right? has started to feel
like a chore.

And you know, I'm trying I'm
trying I'm trying to get it back. (Why striving?)
But it's not going to come when I'm
looking for it. It's going to sneak up
on me someday. Until then, how
am I supposed to keep dancing and singing?
The plan is, I'll have to distract myself. Except
I can't distract myself if I'm thinking
about distracting myself. The plan is,
I have to forget about the plan, otherwise it won't
go forward.