if you could shrink

someday I, too, will have old friends that I will have fought with,

with all of it behind us, now.

the oldest actress on the stage says

when I was in my 20's I would have these panic attacks

uhyea. me and all my friends.

I am not reinventing what it means to be human:

just an hour of this trembling,

not so bad...compare it to:

compare it to!

oh, you know. enough.

it is

so

far

from

not so bad.

space heater. nutella. miso soup.

subway delays. fights with my mom

always getting home, always making up.

again, I ask myself the embarrassing question of my comparative maladjustment.

the question is the answer itself:

not so far gone, yet!

which is what makes this cringeworthy,

that that's not what I want to hear.

if only I could hold my friends as children,

if only I could walk off the ledge and know what it feels like,

and get real big and know what that feels like,

and if only I could see myself as old.