Favoritism

Terrible enough telling you I had cracked under pressure, abandoned the torture thesis
in favor of pop-sociology, pseudo-science, religious zealots and their painted flags
All I can say is, I hope this is worth not endangering my life
(You didn't laugh)

But now, before I can explain about nursing school, when we meet in your new office
large expanses of bare wooden floor, me missing the cramped bookshelves, the narrow steps,
tattered carpet, matted colors into grey

You catch my eye just briefly as if you are telling me a secret
and turn to nod towards the slim, open window
It is very cold

So you can be on the other side for us, you say, and I don't know what you're talking about
Those who break their Hippocratic Oath- the doctors of the Black Sites


And then I can't explain
I can't let mundane words like "health" and "educator" slip from my lips,
the spiel goes dead in my throat, it doesn't belong in this newly gaping wound,
this slit into the dimension of dark
I can't small-talk my way out, can't joke about the oppressive library lights,
mention my reading-heavy headache

The negative nuances loom up
as shadows, wide and tall,
free of hyperbole


I'm
too crippled by a misconception of
swelling of pride,

Terror

Left in this tremendously billowing ideal as you watch me, waiting
I've no intention of-
but-
(Once again, I think, how dare I retreat to live this cushioned life?
What right do I-)

drawn in, of course, curious,
to this underworld

of potential broken confidences,
heroism,
and danger