scrambled (poem vi.)

mother says it'll snow today, she says, white, crystallized, she warns me in the same way she warned me not to take drugs on new years, warned me not to mix meth in the backseat of my car when i showed her that article she thought i was saying

hey old girl, let's make a few bucks

warned to

run me ragged, drive me into the ground

i’m filling out a practice GRE and outside the window is sky and grey-stark, trees full of stretching desire and i think man oh man

i just wanna go outside and play in the same way

i want to find you out of thin air and tug you down into me, as in my mind there are blankets there, or cool summer breezes or, either way, a bit of a slide in— and a double-gasp

up until recently,

when my youngest brother got “cool”,

he used to make pillow forts in the living room and

all we’d hear was pip-squeak, puppetry,

gnawing as he whittled round little birds

&

dollface, come to this boy’s show with me, i’m saying

but it’s hard to find a slip of a thing, a smile-soaked raver

who’ll leave her wine and records on a saturday night

without a wink, an insinuated promise

it’s like how

once you’ve seduced, the teacher-student relationship

is never quite the same

&

Things I’ve Wanted to Go Do Forever

That I Still Want to Go Do,

a List:

- go to the roller-rink for earnest fun

- go to a water-park

- go camping

she says here, as the ticking-off hand still wavers, hey, but you did that one, the camping one

real camping, I mean, with a real tent—and...stuff. stuff?

she's laughing through me anyway, but but you already did that, when you were alone on the beach and worked through dusk to plait dune grass to deadman the tent into the ground-

that wasn't a tent, that was a tarp and a paddle and a mosquito net

and the hornet's nest underneath?

she's bubbling, laugh-creased hiccuping over the side of the bed—

i was alone on the beach. when the swarm rose up, i ran a mile into the ocean to escape

i still have the scars.

//Before I quit drinking and was in the woods with you, the plan was, hey, the mountains!

and woods

and a blanket and a pot and a lighter

with a handle of cheap vodka to keep us warm

you laughed in disbelief when I told you,

as we got into your car and said, that’s a terrible idea

I guess so.

but I still want it bad, i’m scared of snow caves, but here, listen

we can set up next to a body of water, and i’ll say,

shall we catch a fish for dinner?

and you will look at me with i know what look

and i’ll be just kidding

and we’ll make grilled cheese instead

i had this dream last night

you broke into my room through the window

even though I’ve told you no, told you

you'd fall and break yourself into pieces

you went through my desk with silver hands

reflecting off the glass in my dream-catcher

and broke open all the chocolate bars i'd been saving

and when i started up, you, sugar smeared cheeks

you said babyyyy give me a kiss or i'll steal it

in my dreams i always know how to fight

i think i gave you a fat lip

sorry